8.31.15 Eb and Flow

A vanilla friend of mine says that all relationships go through "eb and flow". Good days and bad days. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship, they all have them. i think perhaps i could agree to that.

Not that Master and i have an issue with each other, ever (at least in the past 11 months), but we do have good days and bad days. This weekend was bad. We didn't have a good connection when we left each other over the weekend and that made my connection to Him and His connection to me not as good as it usually is. i felt lost. i told Him so, and it was such a relief to get it off my chest right away instead of holding on to it for days before i discussed it with Him. A big weight was lifted after i told Him how i felt.

To get the connection back, most of the time i just need to see Him. He laughs when i say He fills that hole that is empty - HA. Sometimes i think a punishment would be great. Make that connection to Him better. Remind me that i am owned. Bring me back into a submissive reality so to speak.

And sometimes, whether we have a bad day, or weekend, i still like to be reminded that i am owned.

8.30.15 Still wanting to be touched which causes other thinking issues

The hardest thing in an LDR is not being able to touch. At least its the hardest for me. i know i've mentioned before that i am a very physical person. Not being able to touch or be touched is hard. The feeling comes and goes, but currently its full force. It makes me overthink. i hate over thinking. And its the weekend so i can't discuss it with Master and have Him take over the thinking like He always does. Again i wonder where i would be without Him. And again i know, not in a good place. i'm having a bad weekend missing Him. Tomorrow is our back to normal day, so i will be extremely grateful and most likely very settled.

i'd kill to be held be someone and not have to worry about what else they want after. i cannot wait for Masters hug. i will feel safe and at home and secured. Little over a month away..........

Mind wandering again.......

8.29.15 Stuff

First i am not sure if i would have been given permission not to blog yesterday, but i didn't. i was traveling and didn't arrive to a hotel until late and needed dinner at that point. I am not sure if Master will punish me.

i also didn't send Him my schedule but we did email during the day so i think that might have been ok. All of this is on my mind. i hate being punished and didn't purposely not write my blog or send Him my schedule.

Anyway, i've had some things on my mind.

First i will say that a friend asked for Masters position. The one that i told i was a sub. i've also just recently told Him that i am owned. i told Him that my change of position would never happen and he said he would still like to be good friends which is amazing and good. Master said He knew He could trust this friend. i'm happy about that. i'm glad Master likes someone that i like to hang around with.

Second, Master mentioned something to the other day that initially i wasn't so pleased with. i am going to say many things about this.

One, it's not really my position to not be happy with what Master tells me. What Master says goes and thats that. End of story. But this particular thing to me is going to be quite something and i was a bit disappointed. But who i am as a person, i react first and think later. i know Master knew i was disappointed and we spoke about it the day after. After talking i felt much better.

It's very important to me and i am very happy that Master and i have an "open form" of communication. Granted it is in a M/s way, but still. It works very well for us. i've crossed lines just a few times, not intentionally, and Master always puts me back in my place.

i do miss Him. Granted vacation was good, and Master knew that it was what i needed, but i am feeling lonely. We didn't get to talk so much Friday and that always gets me through the weekend somehow.

Saw some signs on the way home. A few cars ironically surrounded me with the state that Master lives in. Gave me a smile! i love signs!

8.27.15 Vacation

Really enjoying time away from home and still lucky enough to talk to Master while i am away.

He knew that i needed it and as always He was right.

i have a few things going on in my mind right now that i do not really want to about right now.

But i will.........

8.25.15 Mistake and vacation

So i feel like a GIANT ass. All of this typing i do about talking to Master and telling Him everything and i don't tell Him something i should have.

A friend of mine invited me to go to a munch with him and i decided not to mention it to Master because i don't want to go. i was afraid He would tell me to go.

So because i can't, or will i ever lie to Master, when He asked me about said friend i had to discuss with Him what was talked about. i told Master the truth that i didn't want to talk to Him about it because i didn't want to go.

Masters answer to my thinking......its not for me to decide. If He wants me to go somewhere or do something He will have me go or do what He wants. He knows what is best for me always and what i want doesn't really matter.

i was punished. Understandably so.

The worst was the look on His face when i told Him. It cut right through me.

i'll never do it again. Ever.

i'm also leaving for a trip for the rest of the week. Although i will still talk to Master everyday it still won't be the same and i will miss that. i need Him, want Him, live for Him. Only Him.

8.24.15 Afternoon of play and some beautiful words about Master and who i think He is

Whew, i'm still a bit overwhelmed. Calming down. i won't say that "i'm dropping" per se, but i always feel so out of it when its over. We haven't done that in a long time. It was amazing as always. Master knows exactly what to have me do to bring myself to a level of ecstasy. i want more, am in need of more.

We talked about what would make me go to a deeper level. Something we both want. i need more pain so i will have to wear my clamps longer. But i can also make the pain ease by edging. When i asked Master if i could remove the clamps and He didn't answer right away i had to start playing again to ease the pain that was suddenly very strongly.

i am already looking forward to and very excited for next time.

This morning while Master was in a meeting, i was doing some reading on Fet. i found something that i really enjoyed reading about Doms. i'd like to share, and also do not take credit for writing: (my words are in red below)

"I want to wear your invisible chains, the ones no one can see, but I can feel. It's a feeling of being owned, even though I look free too everyone else."

~i do wear an invisible chain for Master. i do walk feeling owned. i've mentioned that to Him. It's been awhile, but its true. i do walk around town and go about my tasks publicly as if i am wearing a chain~

That's something my lady said and I think that's the essence of being a Dom and not just a top. It's easy to see when a top is topping. Or for that matter, when a Dom is topping. But to create that ambience and reality of Dominance that has nothing to do with anything physical and starts as nothing more than the mental capturing of a submissives spirit, is a lot more nuanced and tricky to do and even more tricky to see.

To top is to perform, to Dominate is to exude your will, wants and desires over a submissive through inspiring them to comply to your wishes in such a way that they are not only serving you, but they are serving themselves by embracing their submissive nature in a manner that exist outside of the kinky play and lives inside the core of their being and their submissive acts becomes essential to their way of life. Needed like the air they breathe. It's who they are, not just what they do.

~EXACTLY YES! i LOVE the above paragragh. i DO need like that~

To create and sustain such an exchange will not be done overnight, no matter what any Dom tells you or foolishly demands from you. Those invisible chains must be built one link at a time. Through actions, communication, a merger of desires and most of all, through patience and understanding. There will be many cracks in the links you create, but with determination from you both, you'll weld a chain so strong, it'll be able to pull you out the deepest of ditches.

There's nothing wrong with topping. In fact, it's fucking awesome. But in order to be someone's Dom, you'll need more than the chains that bind them or any other toy that can be stored in a bag, you'll need to create those invisible chains that bind you both to each other. The ones no one can see, but you both can feel.

When those invisible chains become real, then that's when the exchange stops being play, and becomes part of the life you live. As with any chain, it's only as strong as it's weakest link.

~The chains i have are real. Very very real!~

~END

i do like to share these messages with you in case you are a sub reading my blog that needs direction. i would hate for anyone to ever be abused, so perhaps this information would save you from such. i also found this: (again, i did not write this and my comments are in red)

…when you're in a relationship, it's not all scenes and it's not all roses. It's extremely fucking difficult at times to know how much to try and Dominate the situation and how much do you just let it breathe and let things develop a little bit more organically, without trying to manipulate the outcome and giving your partner a chance to voice their thoughts in a open and honest way. Because there's reasons and a time for both approaches, it's just never easy to understand what exactly is needed and how you chose to handle an issue is often times a lot more fucking important than the issue itself.

~I know Master does this. He gives each issue time. He thinks and then reacts, instead of me, reacting and then thinking. He is patient. I am not. Another reason why He is needed.~

There will be some who read that and think, if there is a power exchange in place then of course the Dominant should try to control the situation and solve things that will benefit both parties but is done through the will of the Dominant being implemented. Then there are those who would say, that when two people are having conflict with one another, then any sort of label goes out the window and they are both equally responsible for handling the problem at hand. That there is no power being exchanged in the midst of conflict because neither party is able to truly execute their respective roles if the other one is not fulfilling theirs.

~In my relationship with Master, He takes the first approach. One that I would prefer, of course.~

Every issue and every moment will have its own needs. The most important thing you can do to get through your problems is to understand there is no one size fits all solution for everything, that you have to be engaged, connected and respectful with each other.

Yes, I'm her Dom. That's not a title that just means I get to set rules, command her to her knees and get to use her body for my Sadistic and Sexual pleasure, it means she's my responsibility. Even in those moments where she's being anything but submissive, where she's angry or hurt or a multitude of other emotions that don't feel good…

~Beautiful words~

8.23.15 Blah

Feeling lonely. Physically. Not mentally. i know Master has me, not worried about that or concerned. i'm stable and secure. It's just a physical thing. i miss being touched and held. Miss being physically comforted.

i feel very uncomfortable around men anymore. Even a friend. There is a wall of resistance. i'm scared of them. i don't want anyone to touch me but Master.

So here i am saying i miss being physical.  But here is what happens. i'm allowed out with someone and i go to dinner. After dinner i feel obligated to give something physical to someone because they are nice to me and i know its what they want and what they are thinking, but i don't want to do that. But i feel pressured. But i don't do it because Master would kill me. So i feel the guilt of not doing it, but glad that i didn't because its what Master wants. Mental conflict?

i need to stop overthinking....................

8.22.15 Still learning this..

Came across this saying yesterday and thought it explained me very well.

~One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go, whether its guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.~

Why do we do this? Fight to hold on and fight to let go. Why? You would think letting go would be the easiest thing to do. Why isn't it? i just don't get it. Who would want to hold onto anger, guilt and betrayal? i do this and i let my feelings eat away at me. i then become very stressed out and tense.

THIS is the exact reason why i need to tell Master everything. Hold nothing in as stupid as it may seem. He is the only one that gets me through times when i "hold on". He is rational and my anchor. 

Good thing to remember really. 

8.21.15 Someone else knows how my feelings

i follow a particular group on Fet and wasn't going to read what this persons post was today but something made me click on it and i am so glad i did. She described me perfectly. This is partly what she posted:

I didn't like my dream at all, however it had a very powerful message about me and how I view my importance in the relationships I have been in. I have found that I have let men walk all over me, and I back down and let them, and I don't stand up for myself because I am more afraid of being alone then I am of having a back bone and saying NO YOU AREN'T going to treat me this way. or Why aren't you treating me better. I am worth more and think more of myself then you do.

However, I went along and didn't cause waves, and I settled for a role that wasn't primary, just to have someone in my life, and in the end I was sacrificing my own happiness

Here is how what she's said applies to me:

i DO let men walk all over me. i DON'T stand up for myself, and i AM more afraid of being alone than i am of having a back bone and saying NO. 

i also do not think i am worth much. 

i also just go along with how men treat me so not to cause waves just to have someone in my life and do sacrifice my own happiness. 

And here is what it means now what she says with Master controlling every part of my life:

HE WILL NOT allow men to walk all over me. HE will stand up for me or force me to stand up for myself. HE will force me to be alone with HIM until HE sees fit because HE knows what is best for me. HE knows i am worth something and encourages me to think so as well. HE will not allow me to make sacrifices that are not good for me and is concerned for my happiness.

i don't always remember why Master does what He does when He says No, but its days like this that make me so very happy He does. He is in control and will never do anything to hurt me or get me hurt. He is protecting me in every aspect. He won't hurt and will always protect what He owns. 

8.20.15 All I can think about is Monday

i will (fingers crossed) be able to spend some much needed alone time with Master (as "alone" as we can be right now).

He's allowed me to cum a few times here and there but it is nothing like having Him with me. i need that kind of time with Him. Badly!

Its really all i can think about.

8.19.15 Good girl

i don't really want to discuss this because i don't want to force being called that because i am talking about it and explaining how it made me feel. i would have talked about it sooner but was afraid to for that reason. Not that i could ever force Master to call me something, clearly, but i only want Him to call me that because He feels its deserved.

i know i mentioned it very briefly in a past blog but didn't go into at all.

i am bringing it up again because i came across that verbiage in an article today. This is what a Dom had written when asking His sub about how she felt:

From the sub:

"The most "protected and cared for" I ever felt was when my Dom called me princess."

Here is how He replied:

"If there is one single-most phrase a submissive woman wants to hear, it is "Good Girl". She wants and needs to have her efforts to please you acknowledged. It is very difficult for men to understand that pleasing the man she loves is to her one of the greatest pleasures in her life. It is an emotional fulfillment so deep that it goes far beyond any sexual expression. By giving her your praise as frequently as possible you are confirming that you recognize and appreciate her for who she is and for the love she has to give you."

That statement cannot be more truer. The day Master called me "Good Girl", i felt completely and utterly in awe. i was proud that He was proud of me. Master does tell me often that i do make Him happy, but to hear it like that is just something different. Its just a different feeling. i can't explain it. i felt.....owned.

8.18.15 Embarrassing moments

i woke up this morning and did my normal routine as i usually do, just changed one little thing. i made my smoothie differently. i used strawberry and blueberry instead of banana, and all of my regular ingredients. Then i downed it. Like fast. i was in a hurry to get out of the house.

i get to work and literally could not stop burping ALL DAY! Crazy thing is i also literally just told Master that i don't burp! And i really don't. The Master Gods must have been punishing me! How dare i say that, "we'll show you". Ha!

i was nervous to call Master this afternoon in fear that He would be able to hear me. i personally don't consider burping in front of others very lady like. Actually i find it quite rude and disgusting coming from a woman. i also don't find it "sub-like" because i feel i should never do anything disrespectful in from of Master, and i found that to be disrespectful. Luckily He couldn't hear me over the call.

That made me think of all of the other embarrassing things that "could" happen during certain times. Also made me thing of embarrassing things about my body. Will Master over look that? Will He even care or even notice? And i hate to bring it up, but we all know what happens during anal sex, and I LOVE anal sex. Yes, we are both consenting adults, but still, it crosses my mind. How do i get beyond that? Does anyone?

8.17.15 Explaining my submission to someone who doesn't understand

The friend who i told i was submissive has doubts. Kinda pissed me off. How can i explain to him who and how i feel to make him understand? i asked Master. His words were perfect. Here is what He said:

Who you are and who you want to be are different. you take control of things because you want them done correctly and you can't always trust  people to make sure they are (which is why i can be dominant in my vanilla life). By having Me as your Master you know I will always do things correctly so you don't need to worry.

PERFECT! Its a perfect thing to say to someone who is vanilla and doesn't understand.

i haven't brought it to my friends attention yet, but i will when i am ready. Perhaps later today. It bothered me so much because i felt like he didn't believe who i am and i didn't know how to explain. As always Master takes care of things.

i also had a question for Master this morning that usually i would have held back on. i just laid it right out there and i do believe He was happy about that. He takes care of my mind as well. He is very much needed.

And to mentioning needing, i was given permission to cum this weekend. Guess what? i didn't even want to bother without Him. i know it wouldn't be as good and i need Him to control how things go. So physically i really may want to cum, but mentally its just not worth it without Him for me.

We've both also come to the realization that i need to concentrate more on only being concerned with making Him happy and not everyone else surrounded by me. Still a work in progress.........

i just want to be everything He wants.

8.16.15 Trying to teach and missing.....

Where do you go when you are trying to teach a vanilla about the lifestyle? Everything that comes up is about sex and that is not what it is always about. i wonder if it gets confusing for those that are reading about it that don't understand it.

Trying to teach someone about being a submissive is making me miss Master more. It makes me want to submit to Him more than i do because it is my comfort zone. A place where i need to be and to be happy. All of this learning a vanilla is confusing. It's hard to make someone understand what and how you feel. Something that you are so strong about and pushing a belief.

Tiring day. Just because it was relaxing. Looking forward to tomorrow. It's Monday. Master Monday ;)!

8.15.15 The day

Not much to say. Relaxed all day by the pool. Was very nice. Thinking of Master constantly. i do miss Him, but i am happy.

Hoping to hear from Him.

Have been allowed to cum this weekend. Still waiting for the chance........

8.14.15 Ups & Downs

A lot of up and down emotion today. From happy, to worried, to horny. Well started horny too because Master had me edge last night in punishment for not eating a proper breakfast AND for forgetting to send Him my daily schedule. i love to edge, but only when i have permission to cum at the end. Otherwise it just makes me irritable and cranky. Perhaps that's added to how my downs went this afternoon.

Doctors found a cyst on my liver. Ironically my cardiologist found it. So he is sending me to a GI. Please, fingers, hair, toes, eyes, legs - everything crossed.

This is how good Master is. If it wasn't for Him forcing me to go to a Dr in the first place, this would have never been known. i am beyond words can say grateful for Him. Beyond words. How do i show Him? i wonder how anyone can show certain things from a distance. i will have to look into that.

i am worried a bit about it, but i must relax about it because i know that i am in good hands. Master says He will get me through this, like He has everything else. True story, true statement.

So i must get and be back up because that is where Master would prefer me to be. What Master wants, Master always gets.

8.13.15 Master gave me a day of relaxation

i went to one of my happy places today. The beach. Master allowed me to take a day and go down. He takes care of me very well. He is amazing Man.

The beach does for me what Master does for me. The second i walk onto the beach, my feet hit the sand, my body immediately is relaxed. Exactly how i feel when i am in contact with Master. i wish i could bottle them both up - ha - kidding!

To add to my relaxing day, Master described to me what He'd like to do to me on the beach, and let me say.....................OH MY GOD!!!!

He also made me think about few things. Public humiliation. Not that what He said would necessarily humiliate me, but it did cross my mind. i am thinking about how i would feel about that. Would it turn me on? Would i like it? i have to think about this more.

my immediate thinking is that it would have to be in the "proper" setting. But let me think on it more and write about it again.

8.12.15 Divorced

The day finally came, i am officially divorced.

How does it make me feel and what does that mean for my future?

Well, the tears are here for one. i guess just because its an end of some pain and sadness that yet something else i had i fucked up and lost and its over. i am officially "free". It's not "him" that i am upset about loosing. Its just the thought of, if that makes sense. Maybe it's the sense of loneliness that is making me feel this way. Being "officially and physically" alone. i have never been physically alone before, as in not somehow or someway attached to. It's getting hard to explain. i AM attached to Master, but in a different way. He owns me and He is always with me. So in that aspect i am not alone and i know that. Maybe its that its the release of finally not being attached to that anymore? All of the stress and dread are finally gone. i don't know. i don't think i am making any sense.

What does it mean for my future? Master will decide that.

8.11.15 Bad day

Woke with a migraine. Took pills, which make me hyper. i broke my kitchen drawer and now my cell charger is broken. i'd like a redo please.

i do remember to say what Master told me once. "It's just a bad day, not a bad life".

8.10.15 Clearing the air

Pulled a stupid move today. i let something so stupid bother me and then my overthinking took over. So something so minimally small and stupid turns into something huge and even dumber. 

As always, Master finds out by forcing me to tell Him (which by the way He should not have to do, i should just tell Him. i'm surprised i'm not being punished right now). i seriously have to just tell Him things - end of story. Time after time, the same thing happens. He tells me that i need to tell Him everything, i don't, i overthink, i learn again. This lesson is taking longer than the others. i wonder why that is. 

So He knows what i was thinking and the air is cleared and i feel better. Shouldn't i look at all of these outcomes instead of being afraid to talk to Him? The answer is clear. 

8.9.15 Cumming without Master

i hate it.

i was able to cum without His presence this afternoon, but it wasn't anything like having Him with me.

It was fast, quick and short.

i was happy that He allowed me the release, grateful.  i was surprised that i was actually able to cum. i hope that Master won't be disappointed. He owns my pleasure and i don't want Him to feel like i've somehow taken it back?????? i haven't, nor would i ever.

8.8.15 Shutting out - Direction on how to stop? (i need to read this a lot)

i wanted to post this the other day but posted something else instead. i figured i'd save it for one day this weekend.

When reading on a particular blog i follow, i came across this:

·  Shutting out is convincing yourself you are selfless enough to shoulder the burden of your emotional struggles so as not to bother your Dominant. This won’t work, and is essentially lying by omission. If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. If you’re angry, you’re angry. Time to speak up, not shut out. Every time your Dominant steps up and helps you work through the trouble, your gratitude and trust increases.

 1. I have responsibilities that can’t be neglected because of being overwhelmed; 2. Emotions don’t control me or run my life. There are definite consequences to unraveling emotionally and behaving impulsively and/or tempestuously. This isn’t to say that it’s never happened to me, because it has; no, this is primarily about facing each day with a sober mind to avoid making irrational and impulsive decisions based on being in a highly emotional state. Secondly, knowing that there’s a tendency for me to get anxious and extremely pensive due to fretting over ‘possibilities’, it is paramount for me to keep obedience in the forefront of my mind regarding handling stresses, my disposition, and addressing my emotions in a constructive manner. This is where commitment comes in. Remembering my commitment to being obedient is a crucial key to getting centered when it seems as though the sky is falling. It’s a part of the checklist that helps calm me. Yes, it requires me to dig deep, because frankly, at least temporarily it would feel dang good to just fly off and let the tempest rage, but that’stemporary and there will be hell to pay after

So my comments on the above (i highlighted what i thought to be most important):

This is EXACTLY what i need to be doing. Before every single scenario i need to remember my obedience and commitment. i need to remember exactly how Master wants me to be. i cannot fly off the handle anymore. It is causing too much stress in my life and also causing my obedience and commitment to Master not be where it should and needs to be! i absolutely hate getting off track from that and it turns out without even realizing it, it was me that was causing it. How stupid of me! 

i am glad i came across these words. They will continue to help me.

8.7.15 Diamonds

My best friend said something amazing to me today. i have been going through some hard times mentally and she knew just the right thing to say.

"Diamonds are made of the chemicals as coal. What makes the difference from black fuel to a glistening precious stone is the amount of pressure its under."

First let me say that Master took care of me as He always does and brought me back to where He wants me, but this statement from her just made me feel even more grateful. Grateful for her and most grateful for Him and His ownership of me.

As all of the pressure life struggles gives me, i will always come out as a diamond because of how Master takes care of me and my life. He makes me shine. i am eternally, eternally grateful for Him.

8.6.15 Enlightenment and stubbornness

My bff sent me a link today on Separation Anxiety from your Master.  Its me. i get like that. Master is aware. I found something especially interesting reading the link. "Those of us that fear abandonment were neglected and abused as kids. We were hurt or unprotected by the people we trusted." True statement, at least in my experiences. And i don't think that this person has to be a parent either. It could be a friend, family member, etc. Its very enlightening to read something and suddenly understand why you are a certain way. The article also discussed ways to help with the separation anxiety. Master and i discussed it.

Ok, so i have been overthinking about my ex and i realize that i am pissed off because he is happy. What kind of a person have i changed to realize that? Master has done amazing things with me. i would have never admitted to that in the past - ever. i even shared that information with Him. Never ever would i have ever shared that with anyone even if i really did realize how i was thinking after the fact. He's making me grow up - so to speak. Is that it, or is it something else? i don't know. Anyway, since i realize what i am thinking about my ex i have been letting it eat at me. Being stubborn about it and let him consume my head instead of Master. The only thing that should be on my mind is Him. i should not worry about anything at all. He is in control, not me. Again, He makes the decisions, not me. So why do i worry????? Stubborn! i feel so stupid. Why don't i get it through my thick head that i really don't have to worry about anything? How do i get help with that? How do i stop? Is it conditioning? i will have to look on Fet and see if others have commented on this and see if there are any suggestions.

....and last, but certainly not least, I CAME!!!! Thank GOD! Master wasn't able to walk me through it, but He knew i'd be able to. Its been long and He had me wearing my plug all day. Sometimes i wonder if someone knows i'm wearing one as i walk around town. Sometimes i wonder if others have one in too. HA!

8.5.15 Moody and cranky as *^%&!

As i am sure we are all aware, i am a woman. Stop giggling - you know who you are.

As women we all get emotional, and if you are a woman reading this don't say you don't because you'd be a liar.

i woke up emotional, moody and cranky. i am beyond tired. i am not sleeping well and i am not sure what the reason is, exactly.

i asked Master if i could please not get up at 6:15am and do my routine so that i could try and get some extra rest tomorrow morning. i will do it when i wake. He approved it to see if the extra rest will work.

He also knows me very very well and knew that something was bothering me. Unfortunately He has to drag it out of me. i don't know how to change that. What punishment could be brought to me if i don't tell Him what is on my mind and would that even work?

Here is what is bothering me. One a friend asked me to join Match.com with her. i let this question stew in my mind since Saturday. i was afraid to ask Master. i never want Him thinking i want anyone but Him. But on the other hand, He knows how lonely i get and this way He will be able to pick and choose who i go out with and when. Sort of the perfect scenario. He will never share me or give me away so i still feel secure just hanging out with others from the opposite sex. He won't allow me to have sex with anyone else, nor does He want me to become seriously involved. i am for Him only and i am completely happy with that. That is all i want and need.

Other things that are bothering me would be my ex, which Master has stated i can do nothing about, and money. i still worry about money A LOT even though Master is in control of it now.

How can i just allow myself to not worry? It's true that i don't have to because He handles everything, but how do i just release my brain to be able to do that? Any ideas? Say my mantra over and over again until i don't think about what stresses me anymore? i need help with this. Please.

Then Master told me He had to leave me early today and i wanted to cry. Dumb right. i mean i will talk to Him tomorrow. Insert unnecessary emotion here. He must think i'm a loon.

i'm forced to exercise tonight and then take it easy for the rest of the evening. See what happens tomorrow with my nonsense.

8.4.15 Cranky and tired

i NEED to release myself!!!!!

My need is making me very very cranky.  Literally the only thing i am able to concentrate on is being fucked. i start looking at things on Fet and reading things on Lit, and looking at my Tumblr account and it makes me feel worse. Its like i'm purposely teasing myself more. i want to lay in bed and be used until i cannot even breath anymore.

Someone gave me a pretend/kidding around order and even that tweaked me a bit. Holy Hell!

And yes i am complaining here, but i also know that i would not want things to be any different. i love the way that Master has such control over me. i love how it makes Him feel.

8.3.15 Needing release

Master had me edge all weekend, so of course i am "on edge", aggravated, frustrated, HORNY.

During the day today, i asked Master if i could cum, or should i say TRY to cum. i did come close when He had me edge all weekend. The closest was last night. i didn't, but came close. Anyway, because Master usually gives me permission, i was surprised this evening when He told me no. He doesn't say no often. Granted i don't ask for things that are unreachable or out of the realm of Him saying yes, but still, i was surprised.

Two things. Either He doesn't want me to actually succeed in cumming without Him, or perhaps He will walk me through cumming tomorrow morning on my way to work. It will have to be a quick walk through, not a long drawn out one like i enjoy so much with Him. So so much! Did i mention SO MUCH?

i cannot get Him taking me out of my mind. i have to go shower and shave and touch myself and ugh! Dying..................NEED TO BE.........................

8.2.15 I told someone

i have a very close friend, an old friend. We've just reconnected after many many years. He was one of the friends that helped me move back in March. He still continues to help, when Master allows, and continues to be a good friend. i trust him completely. Master knows that.

So this friend has been away on vacation for the past several weeks so we have been connecting via text. Sometimes we have good conversations and sometimes they are just plain pointless. Just what friends do.

Something compelled me to tell him that i was a submissive.

He reacted just as as good friend would. Asked a few questions and said he will do some reading. Asked how long i have been like this. Things like that. He did not judge me.

i will not tell him about Master until He and i talk, but it really does feel good to have someone that is around you know who you are.

i think that there are so many of us out there that really can't be ourselves because how everyone else around us judges.

Sad really.

8.1.15 Night out

Was allowed out on a vanilla night out, but had a curfew of 11pm. Kinda of an interesting evening for sure. Not so positive Master will allow me out again with him. Talk about subtle! NOT.

So made sure i was home at 11 and emailed Master. Just made it in the nick of time! Whew. Now i'm edging before going to bed. i'm exhausted. it was a very long day.

Ahhh, how i look forward to Monday.