8.31.15 Eb and Flow

A vanilla friend of mine says that all relationships go through "eb and flow". Good days and bad days. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship, they all have them. i think perhaps i could agree to that.

Not that Master and i have an issue with each other, ever (at least in the past 11 months), but we do have good days and bad days. This weekend was bad. We didn't have a good connection when we left each other over the weekend and that made my connection to Him and His connection to me not as good as it usually is. i felt lost. i told Him so, and it was such a relief to get it off my chest right away instead of holding on to it for days before i discussed it with Him. A big weight was lifted after i told Him how i felt.

To get the connection back, most of the time i just need to see Him. He laughs when i say He fills that hole that is empty - HA. Sometimes i think a punishment would be great. Make that connection to Him better. Remind me that i am owned. Bring me back into a submissive reality so to speak.

And sometimes, whether we have a bad day, or weekend, i still like to be reminded that i am owned.

8.30.15 Still wanting to be touched which causes other thinking issues

The hardest thing in an LDR is not being able to touch. At least its the hardest for me. i know i've mentioned before that i am a very physical person. Not being able to touch or be touched is hard. The feeling comes and goes, but currently its full force. It makes me overthink. i hate over thinking. And its the weekend so i can't discuss it with Master and have Him take over the thinking like He always does. Again i wonder where i would be without Him. And again i know, not in a good place. i'm having a bad weekend missing Him. Tomorrow is our back to normal day, so i will be extremely grateful and most likely very settled.

i'd kill to be held be someone and not have to worry about what else they want after. i cannot wait for Masters hug. i will feel safe and at home and secured. Little over a month away..........

Mind wandering again.......

8.29.15 Stuff

First i am not sure if i would have been given permission not to blog yesterday, but i didn't. i was traveling and didn't arrive to a hotel until late and needed dinner at that point. I am not sure if Master will punish me.

i also didn't send Him my schedule but we did email during the day so i think that might have been ok. All of this is on my mind. i hate being punished and didn't purposely not write my blog or send Him my schedule.

Anyway, i've had some things on my mind.

First i will say that a friend asked for Masters position. The one that i told i was a sub. i've also just recently told Him that i am owned. i told Him that my change of position would never happen and he said he would still like to be good friends which is amazing and good. Master said He knew He could trust this friend. i'm happy about that. i'm glad Master likes someone that i like to hang around with.

Second, Master mentioned something to the other day that initially i wasn't so pleased with. i am going to say many things about this.

One, it's not really my position to not be happy with what Master tells me. What Master says goes and thats that. End of story. But this particular thing to me is going to be quite something and i was a bit disappointed. But who i am as a person, i react first and think later. i know Master knew i was disappointed and we spoke about it the day after. After talking i felt much better.

It's very important to me and i am very happy that Master and i have an "open form" of communication. Granted it is in a M/s way, but still. It works very well for us. i've crossed lines just a few times, not intentionally, and Master always puts me back in my place.

i do miss Him. Granted vacation was good, and Master knew that it was what i needed, but i am feeling lonely. We didn't get to talk so much Friday and that always gets me through the weekend somehow.

Saw some signs on the way home. A few cars ironically surrounded me with the state that Master lives in. Gave me a smile! i love signs!

8.27.15 Vacation

Really enjoying time away from home and still lucky enough to talk to Master while i am away.

He knew that i needed it and as always He was right.

i have a few things going on in my mind right now that i do not really want to about right now.

But i will.........

8.25.15 Mistake and vacation

So i feel like a GIANT ass. All of this typing i do about talking to Master and telling Him everything and i don't tell Him something i should have.

A friend of mine invited me to go to a munch with him and i decided not to mention it to Master because i don't want to go. i was afraid He would tell me to go.

So because i can't, or will i ever lie to Master, when He asked me about said friend i had to discuss with Him what was talked about. i told Master the truth that i didn't want to talk to Him about it because i didn't want to go.

Masters answer to my thinking......its not for me to decide. If He wants me to go somewhere or do something He will have me go or do what He wants. He knows what is best for me always and what i want doesn't really matter.

i was punished. Understandably so.

The worst was the look on His face when i told Him. It cut right through me.

i'll never do it again. Ever.

i'm also leaving for a trip for the rest of the week. Although i will still talk to Master everyday it still won't be the same and i will miss that. i need Him, want Him, live for Him. Only Him.

8.24.15 Afternoon of play and some beautiful words about Master and who i think He is

Whew, i'm still a bit overwhelmed. Calming down. i won't say that "i'm dropping" per se, but i always feel so out of it when its over. We haven't done that in a long time. It was amazing as always. Master knows exactly what to have me do to bring myself to a level of ecstasy. i want more, am in need of more.

We talked about what would make me go to a deeper level. Something we both want. i need more pain so i will have to wear my clamps longer. But i can also make the pain ease by edging. When i asked Master if i could remove the clamps and He didn't answer right away i had to start playing again to ease the pain that was suddenly very strongly.

i am already looking forward to and very excited for next time.

This morning while Master was in a meeting, i was doing some reading on Fet. i found something that i really enjoyed reading about Doms. i'd like to share, and also do not take credit for writing: (my words are in red below)

"I want to wear your invisible chains, the ones no one can see, but I can feel. It's a feeling of being owned, even though I look free too everyone else."

~i do wear an invisible chain for Master. i do walk feeling owned. i've mentioned that to Him. It's been awhile, but its true. i do walk around town and go about my tasks publicly as if i am wearing a chain~

That's something my lady said and I think that's the essence of being a Dom and not just a top. It's easy to see when a top is topping. Or for that matter, when a Dom is topping. But to create that ambience and reality of Dominance that has nothing to do with anything physical and starts as nothing more than the mental capturing of a submissives spirit, is a lot more nuanced and tricky to do and even more tricky to see.

To top is to perform, to Dominate is to exude your will, wants and desires over a submissive through inspiring them to comply to your wishes in such a way that they are not only serving you, but they are serving themselves by embracing their submissive nature in a manner that exist outside of the kinky play and lives inside the core of their being and their submissive acts becomes essential to their way of life. Needed like the air they breathe. It's who they are, not just what they do.

~EXACTLY YES! i LOVE the above paragragh. i DO need like that~

To create and sustain such an exchange will not be done overnight, no matter what any Dom tells you or foolishly demands from you. Those invisible chains must be built one link at a time. Through actions, communication, a merger of desires and most of all, through patience and understanding. There will be many cracks in the links you create, but with determination from you both, you'll weld a chain so strong, it'll be able to pull you out the deepest of ditches.

There's nothing wrong with topping. In fact, it's fucking awesome. But in order to be someone's Dom, you'll need more than the chains that bind them or any other toy that can be stored in a bag, you'll need to create those invisible chains that bind you both to each other. The ones no one can see, but you both can feel.

When those invisible chains become real, then that's when the exchange stops being play, and becomes part of the life you live. As with any chain, it's only as strong as it's weakest link.

~The chains i have are real. Very very real!~

~END

i do like to share these messages with you in case you are a sub reading my blog that needs direction. i would hate for anyone to ever be abused, so perhaps this information would save you from such. i also found this: (again, i did not write this and my comments are in red)

…when you're in a relationship, it's not all scenes and it's not all roses. It's extremely fucking difficult at times to know how much to try and Dominate the situation and how much do you just let it breathe and let things develop a little bit more organically, without trying to manipulate the outcome and giving your partner a chance to voice their thoughts in a open and honest way. Because there's reasons and a time for both approaches, it's just never easy to understand what exactly is needed and how you chose to handle an issue is often times a lot more fucking important than the issue itself.

~I know Master does this. He gives each issue time. He thinks and then reacts, instead of me, reacting and then thinking. He is patient. I am not. Another reason why He is needed.~

There will be some who read that and think, if there is a power exchange in place then of course the Dominant should try to control the situation and solve things that will benefit both parties but is done through the will of the Dominant being implemented. Then there are those who would say, that when two people are having conflict with one another, then any sort of label goes out the window and they are both equally responsible for handling the problem at hand. That there is no power being exchanged in the midst of conflict because neither party is able to truly execute their respective roles if the other one is not fulfilling theirs.

~In my relationship with Master, He takes the first approach. One that I would prefer, of course.~

Every issue and every moment will have its own needs. The most important thing you can do to get through your problems is to understand there is no one size fits all solution for everything, that you have to be engaged, connected and respectful with each other.

Yes, I'm her Dom. That's not a title that just means I get to set rules, command her to her knees and get to use her body for my Sadistic and Sexual pleasure, it means she's my responsibility. Even in those moments where she's being anything but submissive, where she's angry or hurt or a multitude of other emotions that don't feel good…

~Beautiful words~

8.23.15 Blah

Feeling lonely. Physically. Not mentally. i know Master has me, not worried about that or concerned. i'm stable and secure. It's just a physical thing. i miss being touched and held. Miss being physically comforted.

i feel very uncomfortable around men anymore. Even a friend. There is a wall of resistance. i'm scared of them. i don't want anyone to touch me but Master.

So here i am saying i miss being physical.  But here is what happens. i'm allowed out with someone and i go to dinner. After dinner i feel obligated to give something physical to someone because they are nice to me and i know its what they want and what they are thinking, but i don't want to do that. But i feel pressured. But i don't do it because Master would kill me. So i feel the guilt of not doing it, but glad that i didn't because its what Master wants. Mental conflict?

i need to stop overthinking....................